It's a sacrifice
What you give up for what you have
Anything in this life, you sacrifice something in your life or yourself. When it comes to being in porn I choose to sacrifice myself, as I said before I am extremely grateful for the platform porn has given me, but I don’t think a lot of people talk about and warn others of before getting in. There are a variation of reasons why people choose this life, and it’s an array of different things.
As for me, I had a very rough background. I grew up believing love was transactional, a reward, chaos, and pain. My mother was my first bully, my first hater, and my first abuser. I was always dismissed as a child, and I was the human punching bag. Growing up at home was chaos, so was going to school. I had a life of being bullied, mistreatment, ridiculed, abuse, and being discarded. I honestly grew up with a lack of understanding and utter fear. I can’t recall long term periods of true happiness, it was always being past the point of discontent.
For whatever reason, I still have an open heart and understanding as much as I tell myself don’t do it. I was a misfit growing up, last pick for projects and sports teams, just like I was in last place at home. My confidence growing up was never there, I always had it stripped from me. I was punished for no reason, I became numb to the physical pain, while at night I never had a dry eye as an adolescent. My life was literally growing up in fear and seeking approval.
I fell into porn out of desperation of my life for money to change everything around since I grew up poor. I always hustled for whatever I could get since I could remember. I never knew the real sacrifice that came with it, how much it would change me, my world around me and how everyone sees me as. I will never put down an industry that gave me a platform to stand on and an audience, but I was never informed for the road that was ahead of me.
A lot of my friends fell off the radar, my family financially abused me, and dating is incredibly hard. I sacrificed my anomaly, my privacy, and my love life. I receive so much hate from strangers that never ask a question about me, I get harassed, bullied online. It’s like I never had a break from relentless bullying in my life. I never had a sense of safety in my life; physically, emotionally or mentally. That’s all I desire and want in my life, not to mention love. All I want to feel is love, and I never experienced it in my life; not from my family or a man.
All I desire in life is love, just to be valued and appreciated. There’s so much negative content out there on the internet about porn people, and it’s sad. Because I feel like our voices are never heard from the outside world because society doesn’t view us as human. But the truth is we are very much so, we have emotions, we have needs and wants just like the rest of you. We definitely have a little more compassion about the world even though we are constantly rejected by it and ridiculed.
The violence I experienced since a young age, the bullying, everything of that nature led me to the decision of doing porn but also gave me mental illness more so the upbringing. My mother’s abuse has given me major depression, social anxiety/anxiety, PTSD/CPTSD and bipolar 2 which also makes it hard to date. If I could I wish I could tell people my relationship with my mother was one of the best but in fact it’s the worst. It has placed the fear of people in my vision, my outlook on the world is different, and everything else.
I’m still kind to people, give them the benefit of the doubt and help strangers. How I manage to have that heart after the roughest roads I ever walk beats me. The internet is right about some things, I am damaged. But I would be insane if it never affected me in such ways. I mean how would you feel seeing your father hang lifelessly in front of you when you’re 4? How would you feel if your mother threatened to kill you every week and pulled patches of hair etc? Your sibling beating you half to death and unconscious. You would do risky behavior or make poor choices, I’m just grateful it never affected me being mean to strangers unprovoked.
If I honestly had a better upbringing I would have joined the military or do something what society would deem as more honorable. People never look at the ones who raised that person, they just are too quick to judge and assume a lot of things that are untrue about you. But you do sacrifice a piece of yourself to be in porn. Dating for me has been a nightmare, and it will be for you too. I’m not going to lie to people about this industry, but I’m also not putting it down. Porn is the one thing that made me feel like I have a purpose in this world, to entertain and make people happy. I sacrifice a lot to do that too. I make myself even more alone at night, and the high I chase is the money and making fans happy.
Think twice about this life, it’s not for everyone. I am over people glamorizing this industry to people that aren’t mentally built for it. Please subscribe and share